MAY 28 ― I’ve found that many self-proclaimed “nice guys” aren’t really nice guys at all.
Would a nice guy pout and whine because girls he’s “nice” to prefer to date other men instead?
Would a nice guy blame women for stupidly choosing “bad boys” instead of someone (like him) who treats them nice?
Would a nice guy demean women for putting men (undeservedly, apparently) in the friendzone?
If a man is not attracted to a woman, he can call it a lack of chemistry. Or just say he’s not attracted to her for whatever reason — differing goals, she’s not hot/skinny/rich enough. And it is likely no one would blame him in the least for saying a woman’s not his type.
But if a woman says frankly she’s not attracted to a man who is attracted to her, she has committed the sin of “friend zoning.”
We are not going to talk about that boy who chose to kill people for the world not letting him get laid. We are instead going to talk about the men who empathise with the boy, who think that maybe he would have been happier and self-fulfilled if he had managed to lose his virginity.
Since when do women owe it to men to sleep with them to prevent them from being self-absorbed, narcissistic murderers?
Women are not trophies or achievements. Women are people. People with feelings, needs, choices. And if a woman has chosen not to sleep with you, it’s her choice.
Yet I still meet men who whine about women who won’t give them a chance, who don’t appreciate all the things they’ve done.
If you’re nice to a woman in the hopes she’ll cave in and give herself to you in some way, whether her heart or body, then you’re being insincere and having ulterior motives.
Let me tell you about a former friend of mine. I was going through a rather tough time after a break-up and was emotionally vulnerable. Here I was pouring my heart to him, and suddenly he started baby talking me and called me “baby.”
“Do you need me to come over tonight and keep you company?”
I suspect he expected me to say yes, that I would allow him to give me solace and comfort and maybe, just maybe he would get lucky.
Instead I just told him that I did not appreciate him calling me “baby” and that he was being creepy. I never really trusted him again.
Here’s the thing: the relationship game is a game of numbers, like sales. The more people you meet, the more likely you will meet someone who will like what you have to offer.
People often focus too much on finding someone to love without first thinking about being someone who is lovable.
Let’s not even get started on the people who, instead of finding someone capable of loving them, instead focus on finding the “ideal” or “dream person” in the hope that they can wear down their object of desire into accepting their advances.
We have cheapened relationships and focused too much on our idealised notion of what love should be. When things are simple and uncomplicated, you meet someone, you hit it off, then you try really hard to make it work.
But in a world where we treat relationships like grocery shopping, where we don’t treat people like people worthy of respect and affection but just offerings on a shelf, we treat each other shoddily and then wonder why we’re so lonely.
So men, if a woman says no to sex or a date, politely move on to the next one instead of wailing on her and the world for being unfair. And sometimes, though not all the time, when she says “It’s not you, it’s me” maybe it really is you. Work on you and maybe a better you will have a better experience next time.
And there’s no point being “nice” if you’re not actually good, kind and loving. So stop being the “nice guy” and be a decent human being instead who can be happy, thank you very much, whether you’re with someone or not.
*This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
